During the school day, most people only see a single facet of a person and their character. However, there is a lot more than what meets the eye — someone’s childhood plays a significant role in the person they become, and how they treat others. In fact, many elements affect a person’s development: parenting styles, the people someone surrounds themselves with and the relationship between their parents, to name a few. It is no secret that childhood holds a major influence on people as they grow up and transition into adulthood.
Paly junior Sthavyarashi Chaithanya has seen many varying parenting styles among her friends, all resulting in different relationships and dynamics.
“Some friends don’t talk to their parents; they’re always secluded,” Chaithanya said. “On the other hand, I know some friends who like calling their parents during the school day. Both relationships have pros and cons … people should be independent, but also have a good relationship with [their] parents.”
Although there is not a cookie-cutter definition for what effective parenting looks like, there are three general philosophies that most parents will intuitively sort themselves into, one of which being the authoritarian parenting style.
Hilary McDaniel, Palo Alto High School’s Childhood Development Pathway teacher, defines authoritarian parenting as more traditionally uptight. In many cases, children of authoritarian parents learn to not question the rules their parents set — which can lead to challenges in the teenage or adult years.
“Children [who have authoritarian parents] are typically obedient, especially in the younger years,” McDaniel said. “But that’s typically only when people are watching, and it’s very extrinsically motivated — it doesn’t lead to a greater understanding of why they need to follow the rules.”
Advanced Placement Psychology teacher Christopher Farina shares this concern and believes that the authoritarian parenting style can have adverse long-term effects when children leave for college.
“With authoritarian parents, kids learn to be afraid of consequences, but they don’t really understand the rationale behind things,” Farina said. “[When] they go to a four-year college, they don’t necessarily have that rationale internalized as much.”
This reliance on rule enforcement and lack of internal understanding and discipline can shape teenage behavior. Many believe that strict parents tend to raise children to be more rebellious or secretive in their teenage years — a trend Paly sophomore Ivanka Kumar has noticed firsthand.
“I have friends who have very strict parents,” Kumar said. “They learn different loopholes and ways to avoid the rules.”
On the other side of the spectrum is permissive parenting, which is typically described as more lenient, with no firmly established parent roles.
“The opposite of that [the authoritarian parent] is the permissive parent, who is more like a friend,” McDaniel said. “These are the children who actually seem to struggle the most — they have really poor social skills. They don’t really understand boundaries, and they don’t cope well with stress.”
Yet, a more lenient approach to parenting can have benefits. Kumar has always had a close relationship with her mother, and she feels that it has helped her stay accountable.
“With my mom, our relationship is more like siblings,” Kumar said. “She respects my wishes, my beliefs. She does not force anything on me, but in turn, I try to honor her trust.”
Another style of parenting is authoritative parenting, which Farina has found the most research to support due to its explanatory approach.
“Authoritative [parenting is] where parents can still set warm, clear, strong rules, but it comes with a sense of support and explanation,” Farina said. “They [kids] are given a balance between rules, freedom [and] independence; that sets them up for verysuccessful adulthoods, primarily in the social realm, but also academically.”
Sophomore Adam Maldonado’s experience with his parents is representative of authoritative parenting, and he believes they have created a very balanced environment for him to grow up in.
“They [my parents] care a lot about my future,” Maldonado said. “There are certain things that they’ll limit me to. But other than that, my parents are pretty loose. I have a lot of freedom in my life.”
Yet, there can be additional benefits to setting clear expectations and structure. Philip Fisher, director of the Stanford Center for Early Childhood Learning and professor in the Graduate School of Education, believes that different children need differing amounts of structure.
“A lot of parenting [styles] can produce perfectly fine outcomes,” Fisher said. “A lot of parenting is [doing] what suits the individual parents and the child’s temperament. There isn’t a particular parenting style that’s best for all children. Some kids need more structure, and some kids need less. Meeting the kid where they’re at is really important.”
However, even with clear structures, children’s freedom to make decisions is shaped by parental expectations, whether consciously or not. Maldonado believes that the way he was raised contributed to his goals for the future, specifically in athletics.
“My dad made it to college football,” Maldonado said. “Unfortunately, he blew his knee, and so he had to cut his athletic career short. All the men in my family have been athletes, so I definitely feel [that] there’s a little bit of pressure. But personally, I like the pressure. I’m always up for a challenge, and so it’s never really been a big issue.”
Some motivation for one’s future can also be intrinsic — meaning it is derived from one’s own thoughts and feelings. Sophomore Jensen Craig’s parents do not force him to act against his will; instead, they support him in his choices.
“I hold myself to high standards on my own,” Craig said. “My parents don’t really like to make me live up to [any] standards. They just want to support me wherever my interests take me.”
While a child’s upbringing influences their identity, there is a continual debate over whether nature (environmental and biological factors) or nurture (external and human-influenced factors)affects a child the most.
“Your temperament is more governed by nature,” Farina said. “We’ve seen evidence of that through twin studies, who are separated at birth. But your personality can be more in the middle. There are things like your political preferences and food habits that are very much on the nurture end.”
Additionally, the way an individual’s experiences impact someone depends on their genetic predisposition.
“The way nurture impacts kids depends on their genetic makeup and whether they’re more or less sensitive to environmental influences,” Fisher said.
Another way of looking at the nature versus nurture debate is conceptualized through an analogy of orchids and dandelions. Dandelions are described as being able to live in any environment, with no exceptional differences between harsh and habitable conditions. On the other hand, orchids need specific surroundings to thrive, and other environments are detrimental to their survival.
“If dandelion children are in really poor environments, it won’t have that much of an impact, and if they’re in great environments, they may not thrive to a great degree either; they’re going to be less impacted by the world around them,” Fisher said. “Orchid children, who might be highly sensitive, might thrive in a caring environment, but if they’re in a difficult environment, they’ll struggle.”
In contrast, junior Tag Draper’s lived experience has led him to believe that a parent’s personality does not affect their child very much.
“I’ve met people who had terrible parents, and they are the sweetest people ever,” Draper said. “So I really don’t think that your parents rub off on you that much.”
In contrast, many believe that the way a parent acts in front of their child significantly impacts that child’s development. In senior Aiden Chen’s experience, the way his divorced parents acted around him when he was younger changed the way that he behaved.
“Whenever my parents met, they would always argue,” Chen said. “That led to me mirroring that emotional idea, and I started acting out in class a lot when I was younger.”
Furthermore, a parent’s presence in a child’s life has serious long-term effects on that person’s development. Sophomore Loren Arcilla believes that a person’s environment can impact their perspective.
“Depending on where you live and the type of personalities that are around you, childhood definitely shapes how you believe in the world,” Arcilla said. “For example, my parents were absent in the beginning [of my life]. It definitely taught me how to live on my own and be more independent.”
Living in many areas during childhood can also impact how one views the world. For example, Kumar was born in North Dakota, but when she was younger, she lived in Ukraine. Afterward, she moved to Texas, then back to Ukraine and eventually found herself in California.
“Where you grew up, your accent, the people you hang out with, your beliefs, your values, [can all] shape your life’s experiences,” Kumar said.
Along with this, people who were raised with a specific life trajectory in mind end up developing differently than those who do not have a set goal. Maldonado, being a first-generation student, has always felt a drive to go to college.
“It definitely set up more motivation for me, and having the drive to go to college fuels me in a way,” Maldonado said. “I keep in my head the goal I want, which is to be able to provide not only for my family, but also to give back to my parents as well.”
For others, the pressure of having a specific goal for life can be challenging, and a person’s life can also revolve around trying to achieve that goal.
“When I grew up, my parents always told me I’m going to college, and that was a big thing for me,” Draper said.
The first seven years of a child’s life are crucial in the child’s development, and how a parent treats their child, or how they act around them, deeply impacts their child’s values, personality and future growth. Some parents have the privilege and resources to sacrifice their work life for their children.
“My parents made large efforts to spend time with me and my sister growing up,” Craig said. “They made really hard choices to limit how much they were working [in order] to spend time with us.”
Events that happen during these early years can impact more than just a child’s mental health.
“The experiences kids have in the earliest years of their life have a huge impact on who they’ll become,” Fisher said. “Early experiences also have a big impact on health. People who had very harsh early environments are more prone to metabolic disorders and cardiovascular disorders; they also have shorter lifespans.”
Similarly, how a person’s parents act towards each other during these critical years can have long-lasting effects on that person. Draper’s parents divorced when he was very young, and he grew up never being exposed to anything else.
“When I was a kid, I didn’t know that people’s parents didn’t have two different houses, and that was really confusing for me when I found out,” Draper said. “I’m more careful about relationships because my parents hate each other. So I’m really careful because I understand that people might feel that way about me.”
Additionally, a parent’s background can significantly impact their child’s future. Due to this generational aspect of parenting and development, it can often be hard to break out of continuous cycles like generational poverty. In many cases, there are also specific systems in place to make it harder for families to advance out of these cycles.
“People from more affluent backgrounds have had family members go to college, [so] they have … navigational capital,” Farina said. “Parents of first-generation kids haven’t gone through that process themselves, so then there’s less of a network to support them.”
Yet, there are always opportunities to grow and change as a person. Regardless of how one was raised, a person’s character is never set in stone.
“Development is ongoing, and nothing is too late,” McDaniel said. “Certainly, there are windows of opportunity, and childhood is a very big window of opportunity. The younger you are, the more fertile the development is. Though, there’s another window during adolescence, so it’s never too late.”
Adolescence, in particular, is integral to who a person becomes. Because of the sudden increase in both physical and mental changes, a person will be pushed to discover who they are and who they want to be.
“The very first years of life are important, but the onset of adolescence is another time where there’s an opportunity to think about who you are,” Fisher said. “Adolescence is talked about as a period of recalibration, where there’s additional flexibility in terms of brain development and change.”
As students transition into high school, their new environment causes a rapid period of change.
“By the time you get into high school, kids are starting to be more susceptible to their peers [that] they’re hanging out with but also what the overall culture is like, and that tends to have more influence than their specific parents,” Farina said.
Being able to do what a person wants can change their worldview and how they perceive themselves. Because of this, it is important to give a developing adolescent some space for them to figure out their perspective.
“Having freedom opens my eyes, and I get to see the world for what it really is,” Maldonado said. “It prepares me for when I go to college and after that.”
Regardless of the myriad factors that influence a person’s development and future, it is imperative for people to remember that childhood lays the foundation for what comes after. However, this foundation is dynamic — there is always room to change and grow as a person ages.
“Childhood is a starting point that a lot of people hold on to too much,” Chen said. “It’s in the past; it’s affected you, but you can still change how you act in the future.”
